X Factor (ITV1)

Insult of the Week - Louie Walsh to Matt Cardle "You remind me of Bono". That's the polite way of saying "you're a cunt".

Highlight - Cheryl Cole had a new, red, hairdo which included a fake plait that sat on her shoulder like a bloodied rat.

X Factor (ITV1)

So, this week the seemingly decade long live shows began and there was a "big twist". That was that each judge could put an extra act in the show which was one of the lamest "twists" ever concieved. So along with the 12 acts mentioned last week we have...

Over 28's - Wagner
A foreign chap in his 40's (at least) who would be brilliant if his singing voice matched his eccentricity. As it is his singing voice is the polar opposite to his eccentricity so "shit" would be quite a complimentary description.

Boys - Paige
A young black chap who's barber could be Kid 'N' Play. I was surprised he didn't make the 3 last week.

Bands - Diva Fever
If you genetically spliced The Scissor Sisters and Jedward together this is what you would create. Yes, it is as bad as it sounds.

Girls - Trayc
As Gamu is being deported Cheryl couldn't put her back in so we got a different young black girl with nothing memorable about her except the retarded way she spells Tracy.

This weeks theme was number ones, but sadly no version of Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter.

Highlight - during Wagner's medley of Ricky Martin's She Bangs and the B52's Love Shack the director cut to a close up of one of the lady dancer's asses. I'm assuming she was supposed to be seductively rubbing her buttocks, but it instead she pulled her cheeks apart.

X Factor (ITV1)

This week the final 32 "acts" are split into their groups and they go to the respective judges house and are narrowed down to the final 12 who will go to the live show. The over-25's has now been changed to the over 28's after the chick from Pussycat Dolls suggested they change it because "some of the guys in the over-25's a still young". So, acccording to X Factor you are no longer young at 29.

The final 12 are:

Girls - Cheryl Cole's group

Cher - Touted as being "unique" and "original" but actually is more "tuneless" and "raps bad". I have a horrible feeling she might win it.
Rebecca - A young black girl with an excellent voice, but nothing memorable. Will probably "grow" as the show progresses. This year's dark horse.
Katie - A thoroughly annoying young woman who you will love or hate, depending on whether you're intelligent (hate) or a moron (love). Shouldn't be in the show as she bottled her final audition.

Boys - Dannii's group

Aiden - a guy with over stylised hair who I have no recollection of.
Nicolo - a strange Italian lad with a genuinely eccentric personality off stage who then becomes more normal when he sings. He's actually quite likable and will probably go quite a way.
Marlon - quite natural performing he deserved to go through after being made to sing If I Was A Boy.

Groups

FYD - five blokes that together look a bit odd; i can't imagine many teenage girls putting their posters on their wall. They are also the only group that entered as a group.
Bell amie - 4 girls who weren't good enough individually so Cowell turned them into a group at bootcamp. I have no recollection of them at all. My tip to be the first voted off.
One Direction - Another group created by Cowell at boot camp. Much better than the girls, but what's the point in having a group category if you are going to make one on the day and put them thru instead?

Over 28's - Louis's group

John - the only act in the over-28's with any hope of going far. He basically only sings one note so is the X Factor's answer to Ian Curtis.
Storm Lee - a non-entity who's most memorable feature is his stupid name.
Mary - a 50 year old Tesco worker who has no chance of selling records, but has a really good voice.

The big shock was Cheryl Cole's failure to pick Gamu Nhengu; hands down the best act in the whole competition. She could sing, had a quirky voice, was immensely likable and would sell records. I think she didn't put her thru because the producers were afraid the standard British punter wouldn't be able to pronounce her surname.

I didn't endure Xtra Factor this week, but I'm sure Konnie Huq was still bollocks.

X Factor (ITV1) & Xtra Factor (ITV2)

The mediocrity continues. This week there's a double bill (oh joy) with the second part tomorrow. This week is "boot camp" where the 211 acts that weren't completely awful the first time round get to prove themselves again. First they are split into the groups (Boys, Girls, Bands, Over 25's (usually referred to as just "the overs"; ageist fuckers)) and each group sings the same song (sadly not at the same time, that would be too quick) and the 211 are whittled down to 100. They then all learn a dance routine and finally they sing a song of their own choice. This final stage will continue tomorrow were 6 acts from each group will be picked for next week's show.

The worst things this week were two different girls turning Creep into a power ballad which caused me great pain and another girl who achieved the remarkable by making a Coldplay song worse than the original. Somehow I think she's going to get through because she's "original".

On the Xtra Factor Konnie Huq continues to be shit. Producers are still trying hard to play it for laughs, but Huq's just can't do it. I did laugh once though, but it was nothing to do with her. When new Jedward wannabes Bijon froze while singing and the music cue to accompany it was the main theme from 28 Days Later. Just a tad excessive!

X Factor (ITV1) & Xtra Factor (ITV2)

I must make it clear at the start that I do not actively seek out to watch X Factor, Helen does, but I also don't actively block it out like I do the soaps.

This week saw the final week of auditions, aka the weeks with idiots who can't sing so we can laugh at them edited around the idiots who can sing pretty well that will make the final. This is usually the period of X Factor's painfully epic run (it's on for almost 4 months) that is most entertaining, but this year it has failed. Instead of the usual crazies this year we were treated to nothing more than tone deaf idiots, each ones appallingness so blatantly obvious from the moment the camera cuts to them. And there's still 10 weeks of live shows where you get to watch the same mediocre singers perform lazy covers, a stretch that truly tests your patience as after 2 weeks you know the act that will have a pop career afterwards, but you have to watch them be whittled down only for the one with the closest approximation of talent to be beaten at the last by someone remarkably bland.

Xtra Factor is the hour long "behind the scenes" show that follows straight after on ITV2. This used to be the best part of the whole sorry affair as you could stare at Holly Willoughby's cleavage for an hour, but she's left now to be replaced by Mrs Charlie Brooker herself, the terrible Konnie Huq. I'm convinced the only way she gets work is by auditioning for the same jobs as June Sarpong.

Both of these shows were actually diverting in previous years I've had to sit through it, but this year even Simon Cowel seems to have realised it's run it's course.