Masterchef : The Professionals (BBC2)

And so the final variation of Masterchef (after Masterchef, Celebrity Masterchef and Junior Masterchef) began this week. Now I'll be up front about it, I really like Masterchef. It may have a template it follows rigidly every episode (like every reality show on TV), but I get a surprising amount of enjoyment out of watching these people cook. I shouldn't, but I do.

Now, I could talk about the excellent editing which gives the cooking some real dynamics, the wide selection of tunes (they actually used some drum n bass once) which drive everything or the hyperbole that angers Noise so much, but I won't. Instead here's the Masterchef drinking game, guaranteed to get you pissed.

Take a drink every time...
Greg Wallace says "Cooking doesn't get tougher than this"
Michel Roux says "unctuous"
Michel Roux's soux chef Monica refers to his as "my boss" or (double drink) "Chef Michel"
The beat pauses to be replaced by a cooking related sound (eg. the sizzle of a pan, the whir of a whisk, the sound of a knife slicing through a Jerusalem artichoke)
Someone cooks scallops
A plate of food is referred to as "rustic"
Someone puts "too many ingredients on a plate"
Someone drips sweat into their food
Any competitor states the competition is "life changing"
The person who states "I can win this" follows that soundbite with a shit plate of food and is eliminated
Greg Wallace compares a plate of food to something intimate (eg. that dessert is like a warm cuddle)
Michel Roux looks at one of the chefs and his eye bulge so wide it amazes you they stay in his head.

You will get paraletic every episode!

Hells Kitchen USA (ITV2)

also known as Sweary Chefs.

Basically Gordon Ramsey screams profanities in the face of a bunch of chefs. This seems to be his attempt to motivate them to improve. The set up of red team (girls) vs blue team (boys) causes lots of people to get excessively pissed off at each other, but unlike better cooking shows you don't actually learn anything about food. You do get to chuckle at the utter stupidityof it all though.

This weeks highlights.
Ramsey screaming "Raw" at a woman while repeatedly punching the burger she's just made.
This was topped when the the naive Italian (Salvatore) gives Ramsey a ticket which is spelt wrong. Ramsey starts to get irate shouting "didn't you go to school" only for Salvatore to respond with "No. My family was poor and I had to work".